Trying to be present for your children while you grieve can be one of the biggest challenges you face. In April of 2007, ten months to the day after the death of my first daughter, I gave birth to Miranda, a beautful and healthy baby girl. I wanted to be happy for the addition of this new life and on the outside I was. I put on a great show for friends and visiting family. Inside my heart was breaking. I loved Miranda, of course I did, but I was also aching for Quinne too. In fact, my pregnancy with Miranda had been a complete accident and I hadn't intended on getting pregnant again so soon. I needed time to grieve properly. Unfortunately, I hadn't been given that time.
Here I was at home with a newborn, trying desperately to figure out everything that goes along with that all while still trying to not make it seem like I was forgetting my first child. I wasn't replacing her by any means. The first few months of Miranda's life did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. I never went to a therapist, but I believe I had post-partum depression. I couldn't be there for my daughter like I had hoped and wanted to be. I tried breastfeeding but it was awful. I couldn't stand sitting for hours on end doing 'nothing' but holding my baby. I put her down as often as I could, never really taking the time to enjoy her. Even though my girls looked nothing alike, I kept seeing Quinne. I kept wondering what I would have been doing with Quinne had she survived. I wanted my first daughter back at almost any cost.
If I could give one piece of advice to a mother who is grieving the loss of loved one, it would be to not be afraid to be selfish. Try to put yourself first, at least every once and a while. Ask someone to watch your children while you take a personal time out. Get a journal, whatever kind you like, go somewhere and be alone with your thoughts for a while. Go for a walk into the woods. Take a trip to a coffee shop or the library. If you can't do any of that, lock yourself in a quiet room in your house. Sit down and just let your thoughts and feelings flow. Write how you feel. Write what you're thinking. Write your deepest, darkest thoughts and desires. Get angry. Be sad. Allow yourself to cry. Validate your feelings. I found that by doing that every once and a while helped myself tremendously. It helped to know that no matter how I felt at a particular moment in time, that I had something that would listen and not say anything back to me. It wouldn't make any facial expressions. It wouldn't judge or try to give advice.
I would also advise you to let your children know that you're feeling sad. Let them know that you need to cry. I feel it is healthy for them to see you express your feelings. Don't try to be 'strong' for their sake. They need to know it's okay to feel different emotions after a loved one has disappeared. Let them ask questions. Answer them to the best of your abilities and suited for your particular child and situation. I still to this day, especially around Quinne's birthday, talk to my daughter about her sister. We look at pictures, go through her scrapbook, take out her urn, give it hugs and kisses, even talk to Quinne sometimes. We cry together, holding each other and just know that it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to miss someone. I find it to be much more healthy and liberating than trying to hold it all inside and put on a happy face.
My heart and prayers are with Danielle and her family during their time of grief.
Anjie Orlowski has a personal blog where she writes about her family and parenting topics, including grief. She lives in Connecticut and stays home with her husband and two living children.
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